Nature’s hidden treasure in the dirt
All hail the arrival of halloween and the lack of time to make a costume. Extremely sad that it’s only 2 days away and I have NOTHING. This is the ONE occasion I take very seriously each year and I’m letting it fade away just like that. In fact, I even let my birthday this year pass by like any other day. Guess I’m really jaded and can’t wait for 2015 to end.
So the past weeks have been incredibly eventful – with lots of projects and work going on, spending quality time with my favourite people and still unable to understand how I am going to survive with no money in my unforeseeable future. ~Namas-fuckin-te~
I’ve been spending most of my days at home, immersing myself with all my hobbies and sorting out the projects I have to do. Between the things that have been keeping me busy, days are flying by tad too quickly. By now I’ve comfortably settled in the new place I call home, explored the estate on foot, on wheels and stumbling upon new places. The only thing that’s left to do is the self motivation and the drive to keep me pushing forward.
& lately I’ve been dreaming; dreaming of vanishing from my own dimensional existence. The luxury of time is on my side being only a quarter of a century old, but I never knew that putting goals on hold meant having to yearn for it like a fat diabetic kid who isn’t allowed to have cake. Let’s just see where it goes from here, one little step at a time.
A fortune teller can tell you when someone’s not the one for you, but what they can’t possibly know is the fact that this feeling you have with the “wrong one” may never be experienced with the “right one”. Compatibility does not equate the special moments. There’s simply no point in reading your future when stability does not = happiness.
That feeling of atrocity, the unjust knots in my gut from the inability to speak reason; The Defeat. The 20 year old me would look at me now and spit in my sorry face for letting an unreasonable woman call me names and get away with it. Perhaps it’s growth, being able to let things go. But I can’t help but notice the disappearance of my ‘Never Say Die’ spirit. I’ve always hated losing but somehow, the will to fight for what’s right just isn’t there anymore.
So these days, encounters with strangers are often unpleasant, social situations become awkward, I stop remembering the right things to say, I secretly wish my phone would explode so nobody can contact me. While traveling, 8 out of 10 people I cross paths with result in good vibrations. Back home, 6 out of 10 cause me suffering to the point that human interaction becomes tiring.
All the entitlements everyone feels they should rightfully receive, the self-centered egotistical ugliness that reflects in daily mannerisms, the wall of defence that everyone has built even higher than the wall in the North. What is the point, really?
Maybe I’ve had a real good life for the past 2 years, maybe it’s a part of my life I will never get over until the next epic part comes along. But right now, I’m struggling. I’m struggling to find a place, my worth, a foreseeable future.
I’m standing in the middle of an overly packed forest, looking through the thick dense trees that tower on and on into the sky. Clueless on which direction to go, following filtered streams of what little sunlight there is, praying that it leads to a way out. But each time there seems to be a morsel of hope, I’m plunged back into the darkness of the woods. I’m unable to escape so I hug a majestic baobab; clasping onto the energy from these deep rooted beings of the earth. And alas… Nothing. Nothing happens. I’m stuck in a maze of perennial beings, that’s all.
Have I lost myself along the way of being grounded ?
As i float with my eyes shut, a temporary moment came where it seemed my senses no longer existed. The surface and I became the same horizontal pane. Have you ever felt so light ?